Friday, November 7, 2014

On the Why

I haven't run out of things to say, in case you're wondering. I haven't run out of things I do either. I haven't run out of things I feel or want or need either.

I spent an enormous amount of time trying to convince the world around me that it was okay, that I was okay, and where I was was okay. I wrote about it, I talked about it. It must have worked  alright because I remember a friend saying to me, "you seem so happy."

Actually, I'll let you in on a secret. I learned something over the years and it works. It's called being happy where you're at and accepting where you've been. I did both. Every day.

I'll let you in on another secret, I still needed more.

I spent 8 years as a single mother. I raised 3 wonderful human beings with some help too. He helped me provide good things for kids who didn't deserve to have no dad in their life. He provided stability and we provided companionship. It was a partnership and it worked for a while and I can't help but to be grateful.

My ex was a dud, but I missed having a partner. I wanted someone who wanted me and my kids in their life, even though it would be hard sometimes. I didn't want to feel like having kids was a liability or a disadvantage to a potential mate. I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved back when I love them so much. I didn't have any of that.

I found it, in him. I didn't even have to look because he's been right there with me.

25 years ago, I was a 6th grader in my first year of middle school when a wild-haired boy with a broad smile opened a door for me and proceeded to tease me about the "Shawn Coffee" incident (read about it here) the school year before. We didn't even go to the same school the year before, but obviously that didn't matter because EVERYONE KNEW ABOUT IT! (Insert some snarky comment about small towns here.) We had classes together on and off together the rest of the way through school. We had a similar group of friends in high school and I remember sitting next to him freezing on the quad during lunch and buying him things off the snack cart. We were on the yearbook staff together

and I remember giving rides home occasionally too. Senior year I wanted to ask him to be my date to homecoming and I can't remember why I didn't. I should have.

We grew up and left our decrepit little town and went about our lives. Several years ago when I joined the blogging world, I joined Facebook too. I befriended classmates and relatives and I received a friend request from him. I exclaimed out loud, "Omigosh! He was one of my favorites!"

I recently glanced back through our messages (did you know that Facebook counts them for you?) and we have messaged each other 10, 500 times over the years. This doesn't include texts, phone calls, messages through words with friends, and even visits in person. People who talk to me in person know of my "friend in Phoenix" because I talked about him a lot!

I missed him when we didn't talk. I thought about him more than anyone else. (Besides the kids, of course) Somewhere along the way, I didn't want to lose him. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I remember telling a mutual friend of ours that if I could ever find a way to work it out with him, I would. In a heartbeat.

I did. And it did. And know this, I am happy. I don't even care what else is going on around us, I get to be his wife. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

I have a family again. Not some patched together people who look like a family because they co-exist together. No, a real family with a mom and a dad and kids who love each other and work to make each other better.

I haven't run out of things to say. I still do things and I still have many opinions I could express.

I don't have to hold up signs that say "SEE, I AM HAPPY" anymore though. I just get to be happy and live.

And if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do just that. <3 nbsp="">

1 comment:

Cara said...

Beautifully written, Sissy. I'm happy that you're happy. You finally have you knight in shining armor. :)