love grows

 

First off let me apologize for my inconsistency here. I blog 5 days a week for nearly a year and then now we're down to maybe 3? I've noticed that my numbers have dropped off significantly too. No one visits when you don't have anything to say, right? Apparently, this is the case! I know the "I've been busy" excuse gets old after a while and maybe what I have to say just isn't all that interesting anymore...eh, either might be the case though. I'm not giving up (yet) anyway and I'll share when I can. Honestly, some days it's just enough to work, get home, and make dinner...sigh. Anyway here goes:

Becoming a mother for the first time when I was 21 was scary. Aside from not having any idea what I was doing, I was unsure of how I was going to feel about this new life being given to me. My story might be a little different from those who do it right from the get go. I did things out of order and was not given the full support of my family because of it (they came around though). I felt very frightened and alone and my husband was perhaps more infantile emotionally than my newborn son. The funny thing is though, the second he was handed to me in the hospital and I was able to see his scrunched up little face, I was hooked. A seed of love was planted and continued to grow.

The same scary awareness happened when I found myself expecting my second child. I loved my son so much and my marriage was was hanging by a thread, I had no idea how I would feel having another child. You become afraid that you won't have enough love for both. I grew another heart, planted another seed and found I was able to love both equally. Amazing, isn't it?

I was actually done at two. I had one of each, my husband and I weren't outnumbered. Something was nagging at the back of my mind though, we had one more child waiting for us. When I had my third, I was overwhelmed. It was nearly impossible to take them all with me somewhere and maintain my sanity. I had run out of hands to hold. 3 sets of diapers for a while was brutal and bath and bedtime seemed to take an eternity to accomplish. Despite all of this, I look back and remember my little one (who stayed with me in my room the entire time we were in the hospital) looking up at me in the middle of the night as I spoke to him. Wide eyes full of love and unquestioning acceptance and I knew. I had planted a third seed of love and it bloomed as large as the other two.

At age 26, I again found myself alone. My marriage had ended. My (ex)husband had been extremely controlling and abusive and I almost lost myself. He made me drop off my kids 400 miles away and he left, leaving me all alone. My babies were only 4 1/2, 3, and 1. I struggled emotionally and I only made it because I had lots of support from my family and My Man. At age 26, I realized I didn't need the approval of anyone else to be happy. My happiness and well-being depends on me. I can choose to love who I wish and I can choose how I react to others. I also found that it is impossible to find happiness without a love for yourself. I analyzed my reactions to things and it's a work in progress still, but I planted a seed of love and respect for myself.

Keep in mind that you cannot continue to grow a garden of love without a lot of work. Think about it, if you plant a garden in your yard you have to water it, weed it, fertilize it, and give it lots of fresh air and sunshine. The same thing goes with your relationships and even yourself. Tend your love garden with care and continue to watch it grow. ;0)